I SHALL NOT DIE NONI!!!

Akpors' chicken say lai lai, hin no gree go for this xmas.

=Dº°˚˚˚°ºнaĦaнaº°˚˚˚°º=)) Ħ̀́̀́̀ǻ̀́:Dħ̀́̀́ɐ̀́̀́̀́=Dħ̀́̀́̀ǻ̀́ħ̀́̀́ɐ̀́̀́̀́=))ħ̀́̀́ǻ̀́ħ̀́ =))•´¨)
¸.•´ ¸.•*¨) ¸.•*¨)
(¸¸.•´(¸.•´(¸.• =)) нaнaнaнaнa.

IF THIS IS A MOVIE POSTER, SUGGEST A SUITABLE TITLE

CBJ AMEBO: SHOW OF SHAME AS TWO ABUJA HIGH CLASS CHICKS FIGHT NAKED IN PUBLIC OVER A MARRIED MAN (PHOTO)

What is this world turning into?

This happened in Wuse 2 in Abuja.

Two beautiful high class chicks fight in public because of a married man.

It's a shame, no man is worth going this extent for.

See the photo when you click on 'Read more' (Viewers discretion is advised)

CHAOS AS MONEY CHANGES INTO A BIRD, THEN STARTS TALKING

There was pandemonium at Mbare Musika Rank on Wednesday amid claims that a stash of US$350 that transformed into a small bird which then started talking.

A huge crowd gathered and it needed police intervention as the mob wanted to beat up the Dzivarasekwa-based cross border trader identified as Immaculate Chirunga (33).

She had to escape in a kombi which took her to Mbare Police Station for protection. Witnesses who spoke to our news crew confirmed that indeed the money changed into a bird which later spoke.

The money was meant to pay for the services provided by a Chipinge-based sangoma as per their contractual agreement. Immaculate confirmed that indeed the bird ‘talked’ and she was not moved because she was aware of the powers of the sangoma whom she has consulted.

“I was not scared or moved when the money changed into a bird. I know Sekuru Mudapaviri Ndoro’s extra-ordinary powers,” said Immaculate.

The woman revealed that she consulted Sekuru Mudapaviri Ndoro after she lost her goods to a kombi crew on her way from South Africa two weeks ago. Immaculate claims that she was given some juju and the robbers returned her stuff at her parents’ Chadcombe house. However, her joy short-lived.

She delayed paying Sekuru Ndoro his charge of US$50 for the juju, which was meant to work for three weeks and ‘unfortunately’ the grace period expired on Wednesday.

Immaculate claims that when she put her money on the bed it turned into a bird which instructed her to travel to Birchenough Bridge.

Said Immaculate: “I had US$350 yesterday and the money suddenly changed into this bird and I was not afraid since I knew what I did and I also knew Sekuru Ndoro’s powers. The bird told me that I should take it to Birchenough Bridge.

She said when she arrived at Mbare Musika, her brother phoned her questioning her why she had used juju to recover her stuff and that is when Sekuru Ndoro, speaking through the bird, intervened.

Immaculate was then mobbed by Mbare traders who wanted an explanation on how a bird which is not a parrot could talk, for a parrot is believed to have the ability to mimic human speech.

“I went to Cape Town two weeks ago along with my two colleagues since I am a cross border trader and we were robbed by the kombi crew. The kombi stopped in the middle of the bush and the crew took all our valuables and my friends resisted prompting a thorough bashing from the robbers.

I was lucky since I surrendered all my belongings and they gave me R300 for complying with their orders before they went away,” she said.

The woman revealed that the robbers confessed and when she phoned Sekuru she was advised to charge them US$500 and six cows for the offence.

“Sekuru told me to open my bags and surprisingly they were beaten thoroughly by invisible things. Sekuru told me to get US$500 plus six cows for the payment from the robbers. He advised me that I should give him US$350 for his job before my return to South Africa,” she narrated.

Immaculate is a single mother of three and her husband died after killing his brother-in-law. She claims that in her previous transactions with Sekuru Ndoro, she sent her payment via an unnamed driver.

“He told me to tie the money and put it in a flowing river. I did that and he later called me confirming that he had received the money”

BASKET CAR MADE IN IBADAN (Crazy Creativity at its' peak)

At least Naija sef don dey Assemble car be that na... Basket oo, Iron oo.. That one no concern anybody.

Infact, Akpors can now afford a car... Nntoooorrr (Tongue out) Hehehehe

But come to think of it, this creativity is crazy... Simply wow.

NAME IT

What is this fruit called in your NATIVE LANGUAGE?

THE HONORABLE...

I usually don't like it when Hon. Obahiagbon gets angry... I get HEADACHE... LMAO

Patrick Obahiagbon On Nigerian Pastors And Private Jets

I cast my vote for Bishop Matthew Hassan Kukah and Pastor Tunde Bakare in their demosthenic vitriol

against spiritual megalomaniacs whose modus vivendi has become increasingly byzantine and repulsively narcissistic.

We must all begin to deprecate this razzmatazz and Nestorian braggadocio in the "HOUSE OF GOD" because when there is no difference between the values of a Pastor and a typical Nigerian Politician, then it's truly a bolekaja ambience.....

Wetin the guy talk abeg?

AMBALI & AKPORS...

Wrongest people to ask questions.

Mr & Mrs Apororo were arguing on who is d most Coward & Scared between them.

After a long argument, they decided to ask their 2 kids (Ambali & Akpors) who they think was d most Coward &

Scared between them.

The first Kid (Ambali) says:

"Dad is d most coward 'cos he's scared of women: Whenever he sees a beautiful lady in town; He closes one eye (i.e winks at d lady)"

Wife realizing d meaning was very angry with her husband.

The Second kid (Akpors) goes:

"That's nothing. Mummy is so scared to sleep alone when dad works night shift. Mummy sleeps with d man next door; sometimes she invites d gardener or uncle Kingleys to sleep with her. Sometimes uncle Mayowa d youth corper, after leaving ur room even escort her to the bathroom & bath with her just bcos she's scared."

MR APORORO FAINTED!

HAPPY NEW WEEK

Desperate Prayer of Akpors

Dear God, I'm damn broke. kindly borrow me 500 billion 



dollars out of my future money. I promise to spend it wisely.

Unilorin to offer course in Chinese language

Ilorin  - The University of Ilorin on Tuesday said it would commence teaching of Chinese (Mandarin) language.

The University, which resolved the issue at its 23rd meeting of the Senate held in Ilorin, said that preparation for the take off of the course was in the pipe line.

The University's Director, Corporate Affairs Department, Mr Idris Akogun, told the News Agency of Nigeria that the introduction of Mandarin was to prepare students for a fast changing global and political economy.

He said that the university would teach Mandarin as one of the foreign languages learnt in the institution.

He added that apart from Nigerian languages, the university also offered instructions at degree and non degree level in foreign languages.

``These languages are French, German and Spanish. Mandarin is the latest addition of the languages to be taught at Unilorin,’’ he said. 

NAN

University of Abuja in Crisis over Non-Accreditation of Courses, Military Men Drive Students Out of the Campus

Management of the University of Abuja today succumbed 

to pressure from protesting students and shut down the 

institution indefinitely.

FUN+

(JOIN THE FUN)

GOD IS WATCHING U IN 3D RELOADED

U dey sleep ontop mat com dey update for ur fb 'water bed things'
#GodIsWatchingUin3D

Ur mama dey sell stock fish, ur papa dey change money, u say ur parent dey into STOCK EXCHANGE.
#GodIsWatchingUin3D

U and ur friends carry bikes follow una sef for road, u say na 'convoy things'
#GodIsWatchingUin3D

U be 18, com dey date 59 years old man, come talk say 'I love my baby'. Na ur baby be that abi ur papa?
#GodIsWatchingUin3D

E never tey wey u escort ur boyfriend climb bike, u come update 'Drive safely boo'
#GodIsWatchingUin3D

U talk say u just buy ur BB but u go buy the pin later. Ok we dey wait.
#GodIsWatchingUin3D

U say u jst enter Unilag, person ask how ur matric, u come talk say u no too like that course coz the lecturers dey harsh.
#GodIsWatchingUin3D

Na one week u spend for Dubai, u come dey form British accent. Person ask u hope u've not been standing here for long? U com talk 'it have tey' in British accent.
#GodIsWatchingUin3D

Keep it rolling...

ENJOYMENT THINGS ON A JACUZZI LEVEL... LMAO

How man for do na? Hehehehehehehe

Abeg no time oo.. Make man enjoy...

NO BE SO? Hehehuhuhhahaha

CBJ FACE OF THE WEEK: NNEOMA UKANDU

PROFESSION: Customer Relations Executive - Allray Maritime Firm.
HEIGHT: 5'7
FB LINK: https://www.facebook.com/nneoma.ukandu

ASIRI TU... 50/50 NONI

Mr Akpors ordered for a voice automated robot car that does anything
he tells it to do correctly without any error.

He got the car and started sending it on errands.

He was so proud of what the car can do without mistakes.

He was not able to go out on a day, his wife told him to tell the car
to go and pick the children from school because she was so tired.

Mr Akpors agreed.

Mr Akpors: Car, go and bring my children from school.

The car went and didn't return in time as expected, they knew
something must be wrong.

Several hours later and no car, Mr Akpors became apprehensive, dressed
up, ready to lodge a report at the police station.

He and his wife just stepped outside when they saw the car coming with
an overload of children.

The car parked right in front of them and said,

"These are your children sir"

In the car was their Landlady's two daughters, their choir mistress
two sons, his wife's best friend's daughter, their pastor's son and
their neighbours two sons.

Wife: Don't tell me all these ones are your children?

Mr Akpors, nonplussed, calmly replied...

CAN YOU TELL ME WHY YOUR OWN CHILDREN ARE NOT IN THE CAR?

LOBATAN!

WEEKEND LAUGH

BEFORE NKO

Akpors who wanted to get rid of his nagging and over demanding
girlfriend tried all attempts which didn't work out.

One day, an idea flashed into his head.

He logged into Facebook, browsed into people's profile and succeeded
in downloading four beautiful girls pictures.

He printed it out and wrote with red ink R.I.P on each of the pictures.

He hid them in a magazine and kept it on top of his television.

One Saturday morning, his girlfriend was cleaning the house and saw
the pictures on the magazine.

She walked up to him at the bedroom...

Girlfriend: Darling!

Akpors: Sweetie what is it?.

Girlfriend: I saw this pictures in the magazine at the top of the
television. Who are these girls?.

Akpors: Oh that, forget about them, it's not important.

Girlfriend: It's important to me, I need to know please.

Akpors: Ok, this one is Onome, I met her at a friend's wedding. We
dated and wanted to get married, but two months before the wedding,
she got involved in a car accident and died.

This one is Ngozi, we met at Mr Biggs restaurant, we dated for a
while. One day, she was heading to Lagos and her car caught fire, she
got burnt beyond recognition.

This one is Roselyn, she was my neighbour's daughter who came back
from London on a visit. We met and spent a night together, she got
involved in a plane crash while returning back to London. Her corpse
was never found.

This one, oh Angela, her name is Angela, I loved her so much. We went
to visit my pastor, on our way back a truck ran over our keke napep,
she died instantly and I and the driver survived. It was after her
that I met you.

Girl (Cuts in): ...Met who? No be me and you o.

She ran 100M under 6secs, who is Bolt? LMAO!!!

AKPORS XCLUSIVE BOUTIQUE

CANOE SHOES

What else can we say than this product being TIMELY, especially in
this period of flood here and there.

Just buy a paddle with it and forget the fear of flood in ur area.
Jump on the sea with ur shoes on and paddle ur way anywhere.

LMAO!

Call: 080 SEE SHOE for details.

HOW 2 IDENTIFY DIFFERENT NAIJA CITIES!!!

1. Two guys are fightin, a 3rd guy comes along, sees dem and walks on - Dat's Lagos!
--------------- --------------- ----------
2. Two guys are fightin, a crowd gathers to watch, a guy comes along and quietly opens a bottle of beer - Dat's Jos!
--------------- --------------- ----------
3. Two guys are fightin, a crowd gathers 2 watch, a guy comes along and quietly says, 'God doesn't like all dis nonsense'...Peace settles in - Dat's Enugu!
--------------- --------------- ----------
4. Two guys are fightin and a 3rd guy comes along, den a 4th and dey start arguin about who is right - U are in Sapele!
--------------- --------------- ----------
5. Two guys are fightin, d 3rd guy comes frm a nearby house and says, "Don't fight in front of my place, go somewhere else and keep fightin". - Dat's Benin!
--------------- --------------- ----------
6. Two guys are fightin, one runs away only 2 return with boko boys 2 start killin innocent people who know nothin about d fight - Dat's Yobe!
--------------- --------------- ----------
7. Two guys are fightin, a 3rd guy comes along with a carton of beer, all sit 2gether drinkin beer and abusin each other and all go home as friends - U are in Waffi (Warri noni)!
--------------- --------------- ----------
8. Two guys are fightin and one of dem starts callin d other one thief, armed robber, cultist and so on...A mob gathers and burn d accused alive - U are in Aluu!
--------------- --------------- ----------
9: Two guys are fightin, both of dem take time out and call deir friends on deir mobiles...Now 50 guys are fightin - U are definitely in Ibadan!
--------------- --------------- ----------
10. Two guys are fightin, a 3rd guy comes along and tries 2 make peace...D 1st two get 2gether and beat him up - Dat's Bauchi 4 U!

Naija no dey carry last...Add urs!

WHO SAYS NAIJA NO DEY CREATIVE? LMAO!!!

Well, since Fashola is chasing after bikes, am sure this one ain't included cos it's no longer a bike.

What do we call this?

Am sure in this guys mind, he's saying;

"Fashola u no fit catch me for dis one never"

Hehehhuhuhvhvhvhhihihhxhxhx (Laughing in Roman figure)

CBJ TECH DEPARTMENT AT IT AGAIN

Now u can enjoy ur satellite service without interruption due to rain or heavy wind.

This latest SATELLITE WIND BREAK was announced this morning by the Chief Engr. - Engr. Akpors and he says this is another technological breakthrough in the history of Satellite communication.

SATELLITE WIND BREAKS are available worldwide.

Hurry while stock last.

GOVERNMENT & THE PEOPLE (Laugh it off)

EMPLOYEE NOTICE
*********************************
Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown in the economy, the Government has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 50 years of age and above on early, mandatory retirement, thus creating jobs and reducing unemployment.

This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).

Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to the Government to be considered for the SHAFT program (Special Help After Forced Termination).

Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program (System Covering Retired-Early Workers).

A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as the Government deems appropriate.

Persons who have been RAPED could get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependents & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).

Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED anyfurther by the Government.

Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. The Government has always prided themselves on the amount of SHIT they give our citizens.

Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring this to the attention of your MP, who has been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle.

Sincerely,
The Committee for Economic Value of Individual Lives (EVIL)