ASIRI TU... 50/50 NONI

Mr Akpors ordered for a voice automated robot car that does anything
he tells it to do correctly without any error.

He got the car and started sending it on errands.

He was so proud of what the car can do without mistakes.

He was not able to go out on a day, his wife told him to tell the car
to go and pick the children from school because she was so tired.

Mr Akpors agreed.

Mr Akpors: Car, go and bring my children from school.

The car went and didn't return in time as expected, they knew
something must be wrong.

Several hours later and no car, Mr Akpors became apprehensive, dressed
up, ready to lodge a report at the police station.

He and his wife just stepped outside when they saw the car coming with
an overload of children.

The car parked right in front of them and said,

"These are your children sir"

In the car was their Landlady's two daughters, their choir mistress
two sons, his wife's best friend's daughter, their pastor's son and
their neighbours two sons.

Wife: Don't tell me all these ones are your children?

Mr Akpors, nonplussed, calmly replied...

CAN YOU TELL ME WHY YOUR OWN CHILDREN ARE NOT IN THE CAR?

LOBATAN!

WEEKEND LAUGH

BEFORE NKO

Akpors who wanted to get rid of his nagging and over demanding
girlfriend tried all attempts which didn't work out.

One day, an idea flashed into his head.

He logged into Facebook, browsed into people's profile and succeeded
in downloading four beautiful girls pictures.

He printed it out and wrote with red ink R.I.P on each of the pictures.

He hid them in a magazine and kept it on top of his television.

One Saturday morning, his girlfriend was cleaning the house and saw
the pictures on the magazine.

She walked up to him at the bedroom...

Girlfriend: Darling!

Akpors: Sweetie what is it?.

Girlfriend: I saw this pictures in the magazine at the top of the
television. Who are these girls?.

Akpors: Oh that, forget about them, it's not important.

Girlfriend: It's important to me, I need to know please.

Akpors: Ok, this one is Onome, I met her at a friend's wedding. We
dated and wanted to get married, but two months before the wedding,
she got involved in a car accident and died.

This one is Ngozi, we met at Mr Biggs restaurant, we dated for a
while. One day, she was heading to Lagos and her car caught fire, she
got burnt beyond recognition.

This one is Roselyn, she was my neighbour's daughter who came back
from London on a visit. We met and spent a night together, she got
involved in a plane crash while returning back to London. Her corpse
was never found.

This one, oh Angela, her name is Angela, I loved her so much. We went
to visit my pastor, on our way back a truck ran over our keke napep,
she died instantly and I and the driver survived. It was after her
that I met you.

Girl (Cuts in): ...Met who? No be me and you o.

She ran 100M under 6secs, who is Bolt? LMAO!!!

AKPORS XCLUSIVE BOUTIQUE

CANOE SHOES

What else can we say than this product being TIMELY, especially in
this period of flood here and there.

Just buy a paddle with it and forget the fear of flood in ur area.
Jump on the sea with ur shoes on and paddle ur way anywhere.

LMAO!

Call: 080 SEE SHOE for details.

HOW 2 IDENTIFY DIFFERENT NAIJA CITIES!!!

1. Two guys are fightin, a 3rd guy comes along, sees dem and walks on - Dat's Lagos!
--------------- --------------- ----------
2. Two guys are fightin, a crowd gathers to watch, a guy comes along and quietly opens a bottle of beer - Dat's Jos!
--------------- --------------- ----------
3. Two guys are fightin, a crowd gathers 2 watch, a guy comes along and quietly says, 'God doesn't like all dis nonsense'...Peace settles in - Dat's Enugu!
--------------- --------------- ----------
4. Two guys are fightin and a 3rd guy comes along, den a 4th and dey start arguin about who is right - U are in Sapele!
--------------- --------------- ----------
5. Two guys are fightin, d 3rd guy comes frm a nearby house and says, "Don't fight in front of my place, go somewhere else and keep fightin". - Dat's Benin!
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6. Two guys are fightin, one runs away only 2 return with boko boys 2 start killin innocent people who know nothin about d fight - Dat's Yobe!
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7. Two guys are fightin, a 3rd guy comes along with a carton of beer, all sit 2gether drinkin beer and abusin each other and all go home as friends - U are in Waffi (Warri noni)!
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8. Two guys are fightin and one of dem starts callin d other one thief, armed robber, cultist and so on...A mob gathers and burn d accused alive - U are in Aluu!
--------------- --------------- ----------
9: Two guys are fightin, both of dem take time out and call deir friends on deir mobiles...Now 50 guys are fightin - U are definitely in Ibadan!
--------------- --------------- ----------
10. Two guys are fightin, a 3rd guy comes along and tries 2 make peace...D 1st two get 2gether and beat him up - Dat's Bauchi 4 U!

Naija no dey carry last...Add urs!

WHO SAYS NAIJA NO DEY CREATIVE? LMAO!!!

Well, since Fashola is chasing after bikes, am sure this one ain't included cos it's no longer a bike.

What do we call this?

Am sure in this guys mind, he's saying;

"Fashola u no fit catch me for dis one never"

Hehehhuhuhvhvhvhhihihhxhxhx (Laughing in Roman figure)

CBJ TECH DEPARTMENT AT IT AGAIN

Now u can enjoy ur satellite service without interruption due to rain or heavy wind.

This latest SATELLITE WIND BREAK was announced this morning by the Chief Engr. - Engr. Akpors and he says this is another technological breakthrough in the history of Satellite communication.

SATELLITE WIND BREAKS are available worldwide.

Hurry while stock last.

GOVERNMENT & THE PEOPLE (Laugh it off)

EMPLOYEE NOTICE
*********************************
Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown in the economy, the Government has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 50 years of age and above on early, mandatory retirement, thus creating jobs and reducing unemployment.

This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).

Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to the Government to be considered for the SHAFT program (Special Help After Forced Termination).

Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program (System Covering Retired-Early Workers).

A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as the Government deems appropriate.

Persons who have been RAPED could get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependents & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).

Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED anyfurther by the Government.

Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. The Government has always prided themselves on the amount of SHIT they give our citizens.

Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring this to the attention of your MP, who has been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle.

Sincerely,
The Committee for Economic Value of Individual Lives (EVIL)

WHAT A WORLD!!

This is a real story of a young ex-Unilag girl who passed away last month.

Her name was Lola.

She was hit by a car at Oyingbo on her way to work at Apapa.

She was working for MTN.

She had a boy friend named Emeka, a banker who was recently transferred to Abuja.

Both of them were true lovers.

She spent half of the day and most nights talking with Emeka on her phone.

Lola's family knew about their relationship.

Emeka was very close with Lola's family in spite of the tribal differences. (just imagine their love).

Before she passed away at LUTH, she told her friends,

"If I pass away, please bury me with my cell phone".

She also said the same thing to her parents.

After her death at LUTH, the attendants couldn't carry her body to the mortuary.

A lot of them tried to do so but still couldn't.

They went and called some priests in church who had the gift of communicating with the dead.

They sprinkled some salt and water on the body and started speaking to himself slowly.

After a few minutes, they said,

"this girl misses something here".

Then her friends told them about her intentions to bury her with her phone.

They asked them to bring a coffin, and then they opened it and placed her phone inside the casket.

After that they tried to carry the body.

It could now be moved and they carried it away easily.

Everyone was shocked.

A day later which was Lola's birthday, Emeka came to their house with gifts but was so shocked to receive d news.

He couldn't believe because he still spoke with Lola d previous day, he then tried calling her phone again in their presence and behold d phone rang and Lola picked it and they were chatting.

They called d priest to come and intervene and when he came and prayed for 5 hours, it was revealed dat:

"MTN is everywhere u GO"

Please don't shoot us yet cos we're also looking for d person dat sent dis to us, so we can strangle him too.. Hehehehehehe

We sef sidon read am like person wey dey prepare for JAMB seriously.

Make una no vex ko? Hehehehehehe

But kai, una too sef like tori...

Enjoy!

OWAMBE

Please join us as we celebrate another 4years in office with my
brother Barrack Hussein Abayomi Oyedeji Oluwagbemileke Obama. Gele &
ipele - ₦7,500, Fila - ₦5,000, Ankara - ₦12,000. Ping 2*****F7 for
more details.

Performing artists:
1. Dele Akani A.K.A Akon
2. Jejelaye Zulu A.K.A Jay-Z,
3. Kehinde West A.K.A kenye West,
4. Akolawole Chris Adamu Brown A.K.A Chris Brown
5. Rihanat Salawa A.K.A Rihanna,
6. Ganiyat Iyaladuke A.K.A Beyoncé,
7. Raphael Kelechi A.K.A R.Kelly,
8. Adenike Amina Idi-araba A.K.A Nicki Minaj,
9. Ayefele Nasiru A.K.A NAS.

Eni tio wo ankara oleje semo...
English translation; he who doesn't wear the 'ankara' fabric won't eat
semo(vita)

DJ: Akpors Nigeria Plc

AKPORS DEY FOLLOW INSTRUCTION DIE!!!

Central Bank of Jokes(CBJ)

Akpors' elder brother, Rukewe, travelled to London months ago, leaving behind Akpors, their aged mom & their pet cat, kelly.

Last week Rukewe called from London to know how they're doing...

RUKEWE: Akpors how una dey now, how kelly?

AKPORS: Kelly done die.

RUKEWE (after a pause): Akpors u for use small small reveal dis kin bad news na. U for jus say d cat fall inside well but neighbors de try comot am. Den when I call again, u go say e break neck small but vet doctor dey try revive am. Den when i call again, u go say dem try their best but dem no fit save am. Na so dem dey reveal bad news in a mature way. u hear me?

AKPORS: Yes bros.

RUKEWE: Ok. how mama na?

AKPORS: Bros. mama sef fall inside well o, but neighbors dey try comot am.

(Phone cuts)

Rukewe has been admitted in a private hospital in London after going into coma.

HURRICANE SANDY

Here's a telephone conversation between a man in Hurricane ravaged New York and his friend in Lagos.

Lagos: I hope u guys are safe?

NY: Man all hell is breaking loose out here!

Lagos: What's going on?

NY: There is flooding everywhere

Lagos: Big deal we're used to that!

NY: People are dying man!

Lagos: We're used to that too!

NY: Look man the power's out we're in darkness!

Lagos: Welcome to our world!

NY: People can't get around no public transport.

Lagos: We just banned Okada too

NY: The phone lines are out too, I'm having to use my mobile

Lagos: Me too!

NY: The police and Emergency services are overwhelmed we don't feel safe from criminals taking advantage of the situation!

Lagos: Neither do we!

NY: Hey man did Hurricane Sandy hit u guys too?

Lagos: Na today? Since Independence oh.

MAMA AKPORS DON VEX

She say lai lai, why mama Ekaitte go dey point her shoe inside church.

CBJ FACE OF THE WEEK: STELLA BASSY (CEO "WEAR IT" FASHION HOUSE/MODEL)

PROFESSION: CEO "Wear It" Fashion House/Model
~ Deal in men wears, shoes, perfumes, facial modelling, cover pages, calenders, bill boards etc.
HEIGHT: 5'6
FB LINK: https://www.facebook.com/sbassy1

AKPORS GET EXCUSE FOR EVERYTHING

Akpors decided to follow his friend Osas on a hunting trip deep in the
forest of Okomu reserve in Iguobazuwa.

Akpors has never gone hunting while Osas has hunted all his life.

When they got to the middle of the forest, Osas told Akpors to sit by
a tree and not make a sound while he checks out an antelope trail.

After he got about a quarter of a mile away, Osas heard a
blood-curling scream which scared away nearby antelope.

He rushed back to Akpors and yelled;

"I think I tell you say make you quiet?"

Akpors replied:

"Shuo, I try o, I really try. When green snake waka pass my leg I nor
shake body or make peem sound. When gorilla come dey breath hot and
smelly smelly air for my face, I nor shake body or make shekele sound.
But when two squirrel waka enter my trouser leg, one come tell the
other one say, 'Chei, see as this two palm kernels big like coconut,
we nor go fit chop dem finish for here, so make we pluck and carry dem
go house', guy a no fit hol am.. naim I come start to halla."

Osas almost died laughing. (Palm kernel ke?)

FINAL PAPER

Akpos was taking his final exam at Police College in kano.

Here is one of the questions:

"You are on patrol in the outskirts of kano when an explosion occurs
in the town. On investigation, you find a large hole has been blown in
the footpath and there is an overturned van lying nearby. Inside the
van there is a strong smell of alcohol.
Both occupants – a man and woman – are injured. You recognize the
woman as the wife of your Divisional Inspector, who is at present away
on a Peace Making Mission In Sudan.
A passing motorist stops to offer you assistance and you realize that
he is a man who is wanted for armed robbery.
Suddenly a man runs out of a nearby house, shouting that his wife is
expecting a baby and that the shock of the explosion has made the
birth imminent.
Another man is crying for help, having been blown into an adjacent
Canal by the explosion, and he cannot swim.

Describe in a few words what action you would take?"

Akpos thought for a moment, picked up his pen, and wrote:

"I would take off my uniform and mingle with the crowd – Na me una wan
turn to mad man abi?"

NAIJA IS SO BLESSED

What would happen in Nigeria if we are to experience an hurricane like
the US East Coast is currently going through Hurricane Sandy? (GOD
FORBID)

Imagine say a 'Hurricane Akpors' is heading for Naija in 3 weeks..
First and foremost;

1. Prophet T.B Joshua will prophesy the hurricane.

2. The State Governors will hold a press conference advicing the people of the states to remain calm as government is working hard to see how they can tackle the situation.

3. National Emergency Management Agency (NEMA) will grant an interview on Channels TV and AIT saying that they are well trained and prepared to handle the crisis. That they are untop of the Situation.

4. The Federal Government will wait for the Hurricane to first land and wipe out States then;

- Hold a day of National Mourning and Prayers and order the flag be flown at half mast.

- Visit the disaster location for a first hand assessment of the damage.

- Visit the survivors camp and share relief material (Mosquito nets, rice and Indomie)

- Set up a committee to investigate the Hurricane and see how we can prevent future hurricanes from visiting Nigeria.

- Release billions of Naira (on Paper) for disaster management.

- Sack the Minister of Water Resources for failing to contain the water.

- Commend the State Governors, NEMA, Red Cross and other emergency services unit for their quick response.

5. The Senate will hold an emergency session and condemn the 'Hurricane'.

6. Churches around Nigeria will hold crusades and Programmes with Titles like 'May Hurricane wipe out your enemies'.. 'Calming the Hurricanes in your life'.. 'Finding the Rainbow in your Hurricane'.. e.t.c..

7. M.I Abaga will release a single about hurricanes.

8. Femi Falana (SAN) will sue the Hurricane, F.G and State government for their poor handling of the Hurricane.

9. CPC, ACN, APGA and others will blame the PDP and Jonathan for the Hurricane.

10. Jokes about BOKO HARAM claims responsibility for the Hurricane will go viral on Facebook, Blackberry Messenger and Twitter..

11. Many People will change their Blackberry Display Pictures to 'Hurricane Pictures' and Facebook status will read..Hurricane Things..

GOD BLESS NIGERIA

NAMING CEREMONY

(Who else but the prank master - Akpors)

Akpors insisted that his first child must bear his name.

So on the day of naming...

Rev: Which name would u like ur child to bear?

Akpors (with smile all over his face) replied; Akpors.

Rev: NO! He has to bear an English name.

Akpors: Oh ok... Akporsking.

Rev (Obviously tired of the prank): LISTEN! Ur son should be named
after a saint in the Bible.

Akpors: Na wa o...

(He thought for a while and obviously with an inspiration and great smile)

"Ok pastor; St. Akporstus"

The baby passed out laughing...

SAME NONI - PG 18+ (Reader's discretion advised)

Central Bank of Jokes(CBJ)

Mr Akpors - a Nigerian tourist goes on a trip to China.

While in China, he was very sexually promiscuous and didn't use condom all the time.

A week after arriving back home, he awakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots.

Horrified, he immediately goes to see a consultant at the National Hospital.

The doctor, never having seen anything like that before, orders some tests and tells Mr Akpors to return in two days for the results.

Akpors returns a couple of days later and the doctor says:

"I've got bad news for you. You've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it".

Akpors looks a little perplexed and says:

"Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, doc".

The doctor answers:

"I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis".

Akpors screams in horror, "Ampu.... wetin?! I want a second opinion please doc".

The doctor replies:

"Well, it's your choice. Go ahead if you want, but surgery is your only choice".

The next day, Akpors seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease.

The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims:

"Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Very lare disease".

Akpors says to the doctor:

"Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can we do? My doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis?"

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs:

"Stupid docta, always want to opelate. Make more money, that way. No need to opelate!"

"Oh, Thank God!", Akpors replies in relief.

"Yes", says the Chinese doctor, "You no worry! Wait another couple of weeks. Penis fall off by itself!"

Akpors fainted!

WHO WAS THE SURVIVOR?

Central Bank of Jokes(CBJ)

Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met.

After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding.

Their life together was, of course, perfect.

One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car (a Grand Caravan) along a winding road when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress.

Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help.

There stood Santa Claus, with a huge bundle of toys.

Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle.

Soon they were driving along delivering toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated, and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident.

Only one of them survived the accident.

The question is: Who was the survivor?

Scroll down for the answer.
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The perfect woman survived. She's the only one that existed in the first place.

Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and no such thing as a perfect man.

***Women stop here!!!.***

***That is the end of the joke.***

***Men keep scrolling by clicking 'Read more'***

NEW BRIDE

Central Bank of Jokes(CBJ)

Akpors and Ekaitte got married.

Akpors was a "man about town" so to speak, but Ekaitte was very naive and uninformed about the birds and the bees.

Akpors was a poor working man and could not afford to take time off for a honeymoon.

So, that night they retired to his little shack.

When Akpors was undressing Ekaitte said,

"Oh Akpors, what is that?"

Akpors being very quick thinking said,

"Eki baby, I am the only man in the world with one of these." And, then, he proceeded to show her what it was for, and Ekaitte was happy.

The next morning Akpors went off to work as usual.

When he returned home that evening, Ekaitte was on the front porch obviously upset about something.

"Akpors, you told me that you were the only man in the world with one of those, and I saw Ambali the gardener changing his clothes behind the shed, and he had one, too."

Thinking fast, Akpors said,

"Oh, Eki baby, Ambali is my good friend. I had two of them so I gave him one. He is the only other man in the world with one of those."

Ekaitte, not being knowledgeable about these things, accepted his answer, and they did their thing again that night.

Akpors went off to work again the next morning and when he returned home, Ekaitte was very upset, stamping her foot on the porch.

Akpors said,

"Eki baby, what is the matter this time?"

"Akpors, you gave Ambali the better one!!!"

Akpors fainted!