FUN+ (ALUUITES IN TROUBLE)

Central Bank of Jokes(CBJ)

Funny phone conversation

(Phone rings)

Girl: Hello who’s on the line?

Boy: Sorry is this Jane:)?

Girl: This is Jane speaking, how may I help you?

Boy: My name is Aluka , I got ur number from a friend.

Girl: Really! So what do u want?

Boy: Pls am looking for a serious date.;)

Girl: Really! I’m single so what do you do?

Boy: I work with NNPC in Port- Hacourt:). I am well paid but the problem is am looking for someone to spend this money. I will change ur life if only u wil accept to be my serious date.

Girl: Wow that’s so romantic! Okay I accept:). I’m from Delta state where are u from?

Boy: I’m from ALUU.

Girl: Aaa what??

Boy: Aluu in River state.

Girl: Sorry, who do u say you want to speak with?

Boy: Haba is this not Jane?.

Girl: SORRY MR ALUKA THIS IS AMINA FROM KANO. BLOOD OF JESUS WRONG NUMBER!!!

CBJ AMEBO: MARRIED WOMAN CAUGHT IN BED WITH BOSS [Photo Inside]

This woman's husband was said to have begged the man on the bed to employ his wife so they could have money to feed until he could sort out his financial problems. The man accepted after several pleas.

But unfortunately, because her husband no longer has money the woman started disrespecting him and keeping late nights. Acting on a tip off, the husband and his friends caught her live in the act with her boss.

The worst is that she didn't even look for an handsome man to sleep with but one who's "uglier" than her husband.

Since she already has a job, is it right for her to sleep with a man for money?

EMPTY HEAD NONI

Central Bank of Jokes(CBJ)

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood.

Trying to make matter clearer, she said,

"Now class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face..."

"Yes" the class said.

"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"

Akpors shouted from behind,

"Cause your feet are not empty"

LOBATAN (Teacher head dey empty noni)

FUN +

Central Bank of Jokes(CBJ)

Akpors buys a new Automatic BMW X6 sport.

He drives the car perfectly well during the day, but at night the car just won’t move at all.

He tries driving the car at night for a week but still no luck.

He then furiously calls the BMW dealers and they sent out a technician to him.

The technician asks,

“Sir, are you sure you are using the right gears?”

Full of anger Akpors replies,

“You fool, idiot man, how you could ask such a question, I'm not stupid! I use D for the Day and N for the Night.”

LOBATAN

PG 18+ (Readers' discretion is advised)

Central bank of Jokes(CBJ)

Mr Akpors - a farmer ordered a high tech milking machine.

Since the equipment arrived when his wife was out of town, he decided to test it on himself first.

So, he inserted his "manhood" into the equipment, turned on the switch and everything else was automatic.

Soon, he realized that the equipment provided him with much more pleasure than his wife did.

When the fun was over, though, he quickly realized that he couldn't remove the instrument from his 'member'.

He read the manual but didn't find any useful information on how to disengage himself.

He tried every button on the instrument, but still without success.

Finally, he decided to call the supplier's Customer Service Hot Line with his cell phone (Thank God for cell phones!).

"Hello, I just bought a milking machine from your company. It works fantastic, but how do I remove it from the cow's udder?"

"Don't worry," replied the customer service rep, "The machine will release automatically once it's collected two gallon."

Akpors fainted.

(Two gallon ke..)

WETIN CONCERN ENJOYMENT WITH FLOOD?

You wanna hear the truth?

Naija people can NEVER be weighed down by situations.

CBJ AMEBO: WOMAN FIGHTS HER HUSBAND PUBLICLY AT SHOPRITE SHOPPING CENTRE

These days everybody is vexing in Nigeria

We learnt it was a very serious fight as she continues to scream,

"You will have to kill me today" ............................................................. In Igbo language.

Na wa oo...

CBJ AMEBO: RARE PHOTO OF BASKETMOUTH IN HIS SECONDARY SCHOOL DAYS

Cute guy?

CBJ AMEBO: WOW!!! NIGERIAN BORN SOLICITOR SHORTLISTED FOR THE BRITISH PRESTIGIOUS LEGAL AWARDS

Omolarami Oluwakemi Ayodeji

A 27 year-old Nigerian born Lawyer, Omolarami Oluwakemi Ayodeji, was recently shortlisted for one of the most prestigious awards in the UK legal calendar, The Law Society Excellence Awards.

Omolarami is the only Nigerian shortlisted for the awards and she was recognized in the Junior Lawyer of the Year category.

The Law Society Excellence Awards recognise and reward the most outstanding and dynamic practitioners in the legal profession and are open to individuals and teams across the entire legal sector, not just solicitors. Now in their sixth year, the awards are the most prestigious awards in the legal calendar and are firmly established as the leading awards for the profession in England and Wales. Winners of the awards will be announced on October 18, 2012.

CBJ AMEBO: RIP!!! 24 YEARS OLD NIGERIAN FOOTBALLER SLUMPS & DIE WHILE PLAYING IN POLAND

Joshua Pepple

Striker Joshua Pepple died on the pitch while playing for his Polish club side, Pomorzanin Nowogard, on Saturday.

The 24-year old Nigerian recently joined the Polish regional League side, and though the cause of his death is not known yet, he was believed to have suffered a heart attack.

LESSON

Central Bank of Jokes(CBJ)

A boy was watching his grandmother write a letter, at one point he asked:
‘Are you writing a story about what we’ve done or is it a story about me?’

His grandmother stopped writing her letter and said to her grandson:

‘I am writing about you actually, but more important than the words is the pencil am using. I hope you’ll be like this pencil when you grow up’.

Intrigued, the boy looked at the pencil. It did not seem very special. ‘But its just like any other pencil that I’ve ever seen!’ That depends on how you look at things. It has five qualities which, if you manage to hang on to them, will make you a person who is always at peace with the world.

First quality: You are capable of great things, but you must never forget that there’s a hand guiding your steps. We call that hand "GOD" and he always guides us according to his will.

Second Quality: Now and then, I’ve to stop writing and use a sharpener. That makes the pencil suffer a little but afterwards, he’s much sharper. So you too, must learn to bear certain pains and sorrows, because they’ll make you a better person.

Third Quality: The pencil always allows us to use an eraser to rub out any mistakes. This means that correcting something we did, is not necessarily a bad thing; It helps to keep us on the road to justice.

Fourth quality: What really matters for the pencil is not its wooden exterior but its graphite inside. So always pay attention to what is happening inside you.

Finally, the pencils fifth quality: It always leave a mark. In just the same way, you should know that every thing you do in life will leave a mark, so try to be conscious of that in your every action.

Have a great week ahead.

CH33RS!

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GIST

Central Bank of Jokes(CBJ)

"My people, you will never believe what happened to me yesterday at Sahad Stores in Abuja.

I still can't get over it.

I went to the super market to pick something to eat and as I was walking down the isle, I noticed this man staring at me.

I looked at him and kept walking to the front counter to pick bottled water and gala.

As I picked them and turned to find the same man right in front of my face!

I tried to give him some of my love so I smiled and said "Hi!" then I went on to get a can coke.

Can you believe that same man followed me through the store?

I was getting a little nervous and mad because he was following me without saying anything.

But you know me, trying to be friendly... I just said "Hi!"

He finaly responded and said,

"I am sorry for staring but you look just like my youngest son... We just buried him two weeks ago".

I felt stupid for getting mad as I expressed my sincerity to him.

He said he was fine as he knows that his son is with the lord.

Then he asked me to do him a favour.

I said "sure, if I can."

He said he was a bit sad that his son never said goodbye to him before passing on.

He asked me to get in line behind him and as he left the store I should say "Goodbye dad" so that he could have a sense of closure.

Though his request was weird, I however agreed to grant them.

So as he collected his bags from the cashier and walked away, I said "Bye Dad" he turned and said "Bye my dear son".

When the cashier calculated my bill, she said the total was N11,250!

I shouted "what?... Can you please explain how a bottle of N70 water, N50 gala and N100 can coke will sum to such amount?".

She said "your dad said you are paying for his bill too."

"My dad? That man is not my father!" I yelled back in response...

I quickly rushed out just in time to see the man moving towards the parking lot.

I ran after him and was screaming "excuse me... Excise me!!!"

He started running for his car as he saw me coming.

I caught him just before he was able to close his door.

I kept on pulling and pulling his legs!!!

Just like am pulling yours now!

Chei! Una too like gist, see as you sidon with seriousness dey read... Abeg night don do, go sleep joor..

CBJ FACE OF THE WEEK: DELIA INNOMA

PROFESSION: Deputy Reporter and writer for nollywoodgossip.net
HEIGHT: 5'7
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